Posted in Poetry, Uncategorized

An Artist’s Longing

Tears travelled well-worn and familiar paths down my cheeks, catching on the curve of my jaw for one suspended moment in time before they continued to fall. Sometimes my hands would catch them and sometimes the paper beneath would grow another mark. 

 

Time slowed, seconds, minutes, or hours may have passed. I know not which. Only that my heart ached as I poured out the feelings I couldn’t give a loud enough voice too. Scribbled words across paper stained with tears and sorrow. 

 

I longed to be held, but there was no one for such luxuries. I needed to pull myself together again and stop wishing for things I could not have. A soft touch, but one that held tight, even amidst the struggle and pains that life sometimes brought. 

 

Oh, but I longed, in the deepest parts of me, the ones I couldn’t fully explain. For such a simple yet fantastic thing as an affection that belonged solely to me. To know I could touch without restraint and be met in return with joy and comfort. 

 

My soul needed it like a flower needs the sun, I can feel it’s strength waning at times for the lack of it. Yet still I continued on. A little more wilted as time went on. My petals growing weary and pale as the days passed and my own did not come.

 

I can only take comfort in the fact that one day another such as I may find me and that together our stems and leaves will twine into a strong vine and our unique petals will reach for each other to live in colorful harmony and affection. 

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A Voice

Their voice dances down my spine,
A soft whisper that draws me in closer with each crushed velvet word.

It brings a smile to my lips and soothes the ragged edges after a days jagged cuts.

Draws a sigh of longing from my soul and wraps me in a sweet embrace.

It’s edges curl around my mind, creating a need for more…a never ending stream of sound that invades my body, mind, and soul.

It makes me sit and stare, the sounds of others muffled in comparison.

It’s a sound I’ll never tire of. One I’d rather hear a hundred times over a million others.

Each time I do, I find another reason to love it’s speaker and the way their voice traces patterns on my heart.

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More

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t. 

But it’s true there are some that all you can see is the fractured glass on the verge of shattering. 

Looking into their eyes, you see what cannot fully be given a voice: fear, anxiety, pain, sadness…and so much more. 

You may not know the cause of each, but a part of you, the darker part of you responds to it. Like recognizes like. 

These people appear to fascinate those around them even as they scare them. For many of them are still a kaleidoscope of color more beautiful than words.

They burst with feeling and passion and fight every day whether seen or unseen to live in the moment. To ignore themselves for the sake of others and to survive. 

It’s almost a dance between two parts of a whole person. The side that longs to give in and shut down. And the side that pushes to succeed and thrive. 

And each time the pressure intensifies they feel as if they will break or they cannot sustain any more damage. 

But the cracks fill up with light and color after a time if they allow it. Their strength increases. And they become more:

More beautiful.

More caring. 

More giving. 

More kind. 

More than any mere words could ever describe. They are simply more than the most vivid imagination could picture or what any mother dreams for her child. 

They are a survivor. And you may think what do they have to survive? Their life doesn’t seem that difficult. But everyone has their demons and everyone has suffered loss in some form. 

Some more than others this is true. And each loss, whatever it may be, shapes a person. Their character, their personality, their ability to give and receive love. And they are more because of it. 

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Isn’t Real…Part 2

They cannot know the way it feels.
They assume you are disconnected.
That you are numb and have no feelings towards the outside world.

If only…if only I didn’t feel so much.
If only I was more disconnected.
If only at times I was numb rather then just blocking it out.

Instead I deal with words that slice my soul to shreds. That send my mind reeling so fast I cannot scramble up the muddy slope fast enough to withstand it.

Instead I try and retreat into myself, to regroup. To hold off the tears, to lessen the pressure, to avoid another night of pain.

But it isn’t in my nature to run. However ironic it may be that a broken person stands against a wave. That they can let the wave wash over them again and again, still managing to survive.

This is not because I cannot face these issues. It’s because I understand. I understand that those who send the wave are often themselves broken in some way.

That they have not yet learned how to handle this aspect of themselves. They have not learned to let the waves of life, big or small wash over them and still stand.

To push through each fall, no matter how much you have to gasp for breath after it is over. That being broken for a time does not make you weak and it does not mean you will always be broken.

But rather to remember that waves will always come, they will always crash, and you will always be left in the bright, soothing, dawn after the tide rolls out.

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Isn’t Real…Part 1

Eyes that bleed silver trails,
Down cheeks flushed high in thought.
Or pale in misery.

Mouth open in a silent scream,
The agony to great to give voice to.
Except when in your head.

Ears ringing like a jackhammer,
But all sound is at once loud and aggressive.
Yet muffled and distant.

Body shaking softly and you can’t decide,
To be still or try and rock the pain away.

Skin feels tight as if stretched thin,
The smallest touch making you jump.
Ready to fight or flee.

The organs inside you appear to have lost all function. Do your lungs still hold air? Is your heart still beating?

Seconds, minutes, hours.
Maybe even days may have passed.
It has no meaning in this state.

Until your mind realizes it is no longer in danger as it thought and gives way to your heart and body again.

This, this is why they cannot know…

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Tears of the Lost

Their tears filled the earth beneath their knees. Tears shed for so many reasons they’d all but lost track.

Tears of loss, of unrequited love, of pain and suffering, of fear, the anxiety and inability to breathe that came with them all.

They were all but numb from it. They’d cried so many tears in their life, there couldn’t possibly be any left…Not even when tears were needed. When they ached so much it was a physical pain and the tears wouldn’t come.

It was almost as if they had become accustomed to it, until they broke again. The smallest thing would shatter them then. When they longed to feel the numbness again to block out the pain.

But still they watered the earth with their tears. This did not go unnoticed. In response they were given rainbows after the dark storms. Flowers blooming in spring after the most barren of winters. Dewdrops resting on petals that had survived if a little worse for wear.

The earth had a balance to it. There is always darkness and pain. But even the tears and suffering can give birth to new life when least expected. If one remembers to face the darkness for what it is and what it isn’t….

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Lovers in Time

It’s the way your lover looks,
A twinkle in the eye,
A slight smirk on their mouth.
Their head tilts to one side as they stare.

It brings a flush of pleasure to you.
You know that look means they want you.
They preen and flirt with you then,
Teasing with what may come.

It can be gentle and filled with passion.
This game you play together.
A brush of their hand against your hair.
A stroke of yours across their face.

There’s no hurry or rush in it.
Only certainty because this person is yours.
So it builds throughout time and space.
This need and love you share.

Until such a time when you meet again.
Until the brightness they bring you overflows your body at the mere sight of them. Your joy knowing no bounds in that moment.

Until your arms are wrapped tight around the other. Until they press a kiss to your mouth and your world is set right. You take their presence in for as long as you can.

Lamenting the time when you will part again.
Until it is time for you to remain together.
Until a time when the distance no longer burdens you and your joy is never ending.

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She is Everything

Some days she was like fire. 

Bold, unapologetic, filled with passion that could scorch you. 

 

Some days she was like a soft rain. 

Quiet, unassuming, ever observant of those around her. 

 

Some days she was like the wind. 

Free spirited, wild, you’d feel her but couldn’t grasp her. 

 

Some days she was like a garden. 

Gentle, fragrant, and so beautiful you wanted to keep her for yourself. 

 

Always she was like the ocean. 

Vast, deep, never ending. Those who couldn’t swim, quickly left her depths to play in the shallows as they were overwhelmed by all that she was. 

 

She was fire, soft rain, wind, a garden and the ocean. She was magnificent and her beauty to grand for words to ever describe. 

 

You’d find yourself hating her even as you loved her and wanted it to never end. She was more then you ever imagined. She is life. 

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Silence

You tell me to talk, so I talk.
But it feels like every time I do my words are taken wrong. You assume things about me that aren’t there and dismiss what is.

You shut me out, and I talk more to explain, to make it better. But you don’t hear what I say for what it is. My words only increase your anger and frustration.

The silence, the silence weighs on me. I can feel it like a physical weight. I hate it. It feels like you are yelling at me to silence myself.

So again I talk more, if only to hear myself, to try and comfort my soul when none is found elsewhere. What am I to do or think in these moments?

It feels like your silence in these moments shouts louder then your words ever could. I am not enough. And yet I am to much.

In these moments your silence clearly tells me what your words can’t. Sometimes I despair because of it. But I keep loving you.

Past the ache that’s settled in my bones. Past the stutter in my speech. The quiver in my breath. The tears that fight to fall. I always love you.

Even when you awaken my demons and leave me to their claws…I will keep loving you.

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Always You

You pour into me and I overflow,
Words of love are not enough to describe how you make me feel.

My whole body reacts to you,
I light up from the inside out.

A smile that rarely leaves my face,
Never leaves my soul for you.

Throughout the good and bad times,
I am lighter for what you give to me.

You say our love is infinite and a part of me agrees, but the other part knows even that cannot describe what it means to love you.

I had many walls, built high and deep,
That others could not scale or simply helped create.

And one day I looked down and you had burrowed underneath: sitting, waiting for me to see, the beauty of your soul and the hand you offered me to take.

I can only hope you feel a fraction of what I do for you, as I continue floating in the sea of feelings you surround me in.